I miss you. I miss talking to you. there isn’t a good way to say that I wish things had worked out differently. a connection like ours is rare and I honestly don’t know that I’ll ever experience it again. if I don’t, I am endlessly grateful for the fact that I experienced it once. I hope that jn the future we are a part of each others lives in one way or another. “this is gonna hurt, bowing to I love you. I still love you. like moons love the planets they circle around.”
you truly are the one that got away. I fell for you harder and faster than I’d ever fallen for anyone else. I don’t know what I like more- you or the idea of what might have been. I talk hopeless bullshit about picking up and leaving, finding you. I can’t quite convince myself that it’d be worth it.
“I hope you finally found a way to quit smoking. I hope your lungs are open and breathing this life.”
c.n.- I am sorry for every single way that I’ve hurt you. it was never my
intention. although its been just a year, I was a different person then. I was young and naiive. I had high hopes for the power of attraction. you deserve the best and for you, that never would have been me. “you can’t tell trees those thugs. they just stand there like me and don’t listen.”
j.h.- you are the closest thing I’ve ever experienced to soul mate. I miss you
in my life on a daily basis. I foolishly hold out this hope that one day, we will figure it out. I don’t know how much of my love and adoration for you is purely out of selfishness, but I have yet to feel something as strongly. “autumn is the hardest season.”
k.d.- you’ll probably see this eventually. all I can say is that you need to remember how much I care about you. right now. in this exact moment. whether I’m sleeping or drinking coffee or sitting on the back porch smoking my 37758th cigarette of the night. you are what I am focused on. nothing that happened in the past matters, nothing that will happen in the future matters. it’s me, you, us, here, now. that’s what matters. “I think of happy when I think of you. so where ever you are, I hope you’re happy. I really do.”
this is my 600th post. this is also my last post.
happy fucking birthday.
broadripple is probably my favorite song ever. it holds so much meaning to me. there are times when I listen to it and it makes me so happy. it brings a flood of memories from a time that seems like a different life now. I remember the green room and Josh constantly playing my guitar. I remember the endless drives, not speaking, just listening.
and then there are times when the words ring loud and true. “I will haunt you like a ghost.” the moments when images of endless fights, weeks of no sleep. the days when I didnt think I’d ever stop crying. these memories, the good ones and the bad ones, are burned into my head. broadripple, no matter what it makes me feel at a specific moment, will always remind me that you can’t erase anything, no matter how hard you try.
the biggest thing broadripple reminds me is permanently written on my body.
“we’ve got alot, don’t you dare forget that.”
it’s true and I have never believed in something more than that.
hey I just registered for school in the spring. go me.
I’ll be hiding out on my other tumblr for a while. no idea what the frequency of posting here will be. I’ll still check my dash regularly, though.
it’s all quite beautiful, you know. it’s aggravating and sad sometimes, but there’s beauty in it. the anger and the tears and all of it. as much as I’d prefer things to be simple and easy-as-pie, even when we fight, there’s nowhere I’d rather be. this is it, though. our last shot to make this happen. I’ve got to focus, gotta keep my head on straight. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him in my life, so I gotta get it right.
ive never been big on fate or signs or destiny, but I can honestly say that there’s something here that keeps both of us roped in. as much shit as we go through, neither of us has been able to walk away yet. and that’s gotta mean something, right?
stop. turn the car around. come back. climb in to my bed and just sleep there. that’s all I want. I want your arms wrapped around me in the middle of the night. I want to feel the warmth from your body. it’s hard to really explain, but I feel the best when I’m next to you. it feels safe, but more than that it feels certain. it’s the only time when my mind isn’t racing. it’s the only time when I feel okay about anything.
"and I wish you were here. I wish you’d never left. but mostly I wish you well, I wish you my very very best."
— Andrea Gibson “Photograph”
do not offer up everything you’ve got, all your time, love, affection and support to someone who is incapable of offering the same things in return.
lesson fucking learned.
to quote him, “life goes on.” so it shall. I know I did my best, that’s all I could do. I’m difficult sometimes, but that’s no reason to ever walk away from someone you claim to care about.
my life is too beautiful to spend time trying to convince someone to be with me.